When I finally grew the courage to see a psychologist I was met with major backlash.
‘Many tried their best to “save” me from falling into their “traps”. I was told they’re going to make you “mental” (aren’t we all) jokes aside, I already felt like an outcast, like an undeserving creature that was unworthy of anything at all.
From a very young age I remember I was very self-conscious. I was loud and a smart ass yes but extremely fearful of all my actions, like someone was sitting afar watching my every move and awaiting me to fall or make a mistake.
So much happened to me in my younger days to my teens that lead me to feeling I was unwanted.
A fat elephant or a bakery as I was always teased at school. At the time I remember I would laugh it off but when I got home I would torture myself with food. To the extent I would feel like my stomach would explode and then laughed at by close relatives and told I need to lose weight or no one would marry me, then reminded I had a visa so not to worry. This was a daily occurrence.
I was also sexually assaulted a few times and this led to many other forms of self-abuse in my teens. The only time I probably openly abused myself was with a kitchen knife at school when I cut myself in front of a friend. Luckily another friend stepped into the classroom at the right time and took it away from me after a big slap to my face!
Then the never ending problems at home had me telling my mother( May Allah grant her jannah for all she endured for us) that I will marry that dude I don’t know and two years down the track I was married. A year 10 drop out.
I left everything behind and went to marry him at the tender age of 16.
In the two years after I told mum I would marry Mohamad (by the way I’m still married to him 15 years in April and I love him to bits) I couldn’t stand him and always thought how does he think he loves me if he doesn’t know me. Funnily though most of my friends back at school would always say to me, Fatma, you’ll be married at 16 and have 10 kids – I have 6 almost there.
I remember when I first got to the airport and I saw him I wanted to get back on the first plane. But I was so scared of speaking up I sucked it in and prayed for the best. Four months later I was married and fell pregnant almost instantly. A few weeks into my marriage my husband was jailed and I was all alone now as my mum and family returned to Australia soon after I was married.
I had no one to turn to. I sucked it up and waited like a good wife does until my husband came out. 17 days. 17 pairs of shoes later he came out. The day he came out I had a miscarriage, SubhanAllah Allah works in mysterious ways. La illaha illa Allah. I spent the next year in Lebanon then moved to Sydney falling pregnant again with my now 13 year son Ali, my rock the absolute joy to my eyes , the one who has picked his mamma off the floor more than she has. Allah yirda3 3ala.
I then had my angel my piece of heaven Maryam after I gave birth to my third khaled my cheeky always knows what to answer son by 2 months I was in a massive house fire. I lost everything materialistic but I still had my family. I moved back to Melbourne my original home bought my first house after a massive struggle and spent a few years there.
After some tough times we sold our home and moved back to Sydney where I had my other 3 boys Ahmed, Hamza and Musa. After giving birth to Hamza who’s 3 now my marriage was shaken to the core. It lead to me running away from home with my five kids then; as a good housewife does I returned home but I never returned to the same me. Then there was losing Ahmed Allah yerhamo.
I had suffered it all. I felt like a victim. A few attempts of suicide then my husband’s family thought ok it must be a jinn in her 😂 and off we went down the road of fake money making sheikhs. Then I read a status by Hanan Dover about these fake Sheihks and a few other wake up calls was as if Allah was telling me that’s enough for now. Have a break Fatma. So I decided it was time to get help. Not family help which is useful but not always what’s needed. I specifically asked not to see حنان دوعر but we plan and Allah plans and he is the best of planners. She was the only one available for the time I wanted and SubhanAllah the person Allah had chosen for me to embark on this new journey of self-discovery I also broke another taboo by consulting with a male life coach Ibrahim Abdo who has taken me from level to level of self-awareness and appreciation and my dear cousin Eman Kamareldin who was this voice in my ear constantly reminding me never to give up.
Do I see myself as a victim today NO! I’m a survivor a warrior, a mosaic from years of vain, shattered fragments of hardship pain, colourful pieces of hate, arms broken from carrying all the weight, jigsawed brain, blood disappearing, tears no more flowing, this heart can no longer beat a smooth rhythm!!!!!
Get help! Professional help! Stop feeling sorry for yourself no one can save you only Allah and your efforts to want to change. And here I am today with my longest Facebook post ever lol. Who ever made it this far congratulations lollll. Today I’m wiser and I don’t care who this post will offend. If you want a listening ear I’m here.