I am a 51 year old man with a history of depression.


As a child, I was a ray of sunshine. I had a happy home with lots of love. Always hugs and my parents sang to me every night. It all started in school. At first all was good, but pretty soon I was being bullied. I was a skinny kid and soon became shy and silent due to bullying. Being an easy target fueled the others. I got mentally shorter every day.

They made me feel less and less welcome as years passed. In 6th grade I got mail. Someone wanted to date me after school. I put on some nice clothes and went to the spot decided. I waited there for more than an hour and then went home. The day after I realized that it was a prank. 


This was pretty much my schooldays from grade 1-9. Even my best friend turned against me as we got older and he realized that being my friend wasn’t cool. Same thing in high school but other classmates. By this time, I had learned to hate myself. I had started doing the work of my old bullies. 

Every day I told myself I was worth nothing. By this time, my depression was blooming. I didn’t know since I thought this state of being was normal. I hadn’t been happy since I was 9. Same thing after school; but with the added boost of alcohol.
Alcohol boosts your feelings. In my case my self-hate. I got into relationships that was destructive. I surrounded myself with friends that fueled my hate.

I pretty much did all I could to paint my world as black as I could and I did a pretty good job. I was living life day by day without any plans about the future. When I reached 40 , I started working out. 


Slowly my body and mind changed. I got stronger and more balanced. I started to get a will to change my life. Life was still a struggle, but I had found some sort of will to change. As I kept on working out I noticed a new awareness. Not only my body but my mind kept getting stronger day by day. 


About five years ago something happened at work. I noticed one day that my pulse stopped every now and then. I thought I was about to die but a friend who was an ambulance nurse told me that it was stress. I reached out and got help. I also started to work out more seriously. Things got better. 


I started an IG account to show people the impact of working of to get in control of depression. Since then it has been a rough road.

The pandemic got me into a deep dive. I crashed but now I am on my way back. I started recording cover songs. I couldn’t visit my mum so I put the songs on Facebook and IG to make her happy. It worked. They made her so happy, but others also liked them, so I continued to record them in my simple humble way.


The fall of 2020 I saw on facebook that a friend of mine was looking for people with depression. He was studying to be a CBT. I sent him a message and he chose me. We worked from August to January to change my life and we did. I now have the tools to handle life. 2021 wasn’t a got year to start with though but now I am on my way back. Eventually I got back into working out. I am now on my way back. I have never been suicidal. I have always had the will to live. Maybe that is what saved my life. 

Finding places like KNQR helped me a lot. To find out that I am not alone. It makes the fight easier. I know that I will carry this with me for the rest of my life but now I know how to handle it. I have friends who know about it. Real friends who support me. And I know that doing gym time helps. It is a cheap but effective way of handling depression.
I guess that is pretty much my story so far. 

I will gladly support others if they have questions. You can make a difference or change your life. Working out makes such a difference. Functional training (aka CrossFit) makes your mind stronger and more able to handle life. It sounds like an add but seriously it works. That kind of training pushes you outside your comfort zone and makes you mentally stronger.

I have seen so many stories of people who got saved by functional training. One girl with MS sat in a wheelchair. Now she is walking all by her self.
I wake up with demons and they put me to bed. But now I can keep of control them. I still have a darkness inside that could make the toughest man cry, but I am in control now. It has made me strong. Probably much stronger than the average man.

I know that I am mentally strong due to years of fighting this. I have no fears. ( well maybe wasps, but that is because I think I am allergic ) 
This is pretty much me. If you or anyone you know has any questions then feel free to ask me.
My IG is @commandoswede